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What's Wrong With This Story ?


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"What's wrong with this story?

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"Come in and take a seat", said Mr. Wolff as the hesitant young couple entered the doorway of Wolff & Foxtrot, Estate Agents. "Can I get you a coffee? By the way, please excuse my gardening clothes - my shiny suit is in the dry-cleaners, but I'm sure you're not influenced by something as superficial as the clothes I'm wearing!

Gary and Chantelle Newbuyer exchanged glances, as Mr Wolff shuffled off, and came back a minute later with two coffees.

"It's about no. 23, Sewage St," Gary blurted. I'm just a little concerned that we may be buying at the top of the market. I've been looking at a website called "Housepricecrash.co.uk", and apart from someone called Hamish, and a man from Maidenhead, most of the people there seem convinced that prices are going to fall much further". Chantelle nodded in agreement.

"Hmm", said Mr. Wolff. "I can quite understand your concern ... prices are plummeting. I certainly wouldn't recommend buying at the moment, even though my job and mortgage depend on my firm's commissions. But if you really must, then I recommend that you offer no more than 75% of the vendor's asking price. This way, even if prices do carry on dropping, you won't lose too much."

"The thing is", said Chantelle, "We really like the house, and they keep saying on television that prices are starting to rise again now that the economy is beginning to pick up again. I don't want to risk losing the house, so we'd like to offer the full asking price, if that's ok"

"Well,", said Mr. Wolff, "If you must. And I suppose you'll be wanting buildings and contents insurance too. We do offer house insurance, but you'll get it much cheaper if you shop around on the internet". And don't, whatever you do, take on any so-called mortgage protection insurance. As estate agents, we do very well out of it, but it's actually a complete rip-off."

... any chance of someone else continuing with the next chapter of this gripping story ... ?

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Meanwhile, in Downing Street, Alistair Darling says to Gordon Brown, "You know Gordo, it's jolly good of you allowing me to come clean in the forthcoming budget about how we're going to have to jack up income tax by 8 pence in the pound, until 2016 at least, to pay for all your hubris."

"Not at all Alistair, not at all", replied Gordon, "I think what the British Public really appreciate is as honest leader, and I know they'll support us when we lay the truth on the line, even if it does hurt a little."

Gordon then went onto proclaim, "While we're coming clean about things, I think I'll finally make a formal apology to the public for being such a useless, brain-dead [email protected] when I sold half of our gold at rock-bottom prices."

"Are you sure that won't knock their confidence in your leadership?", replied Alistair.

"What confidence?", Gordon muttered.

Edited by General Congreve
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Suddenly, the floor retracted from underneath Gary and Chantelle, and they found themselves and their sofa rapidly descending in a titanium-lined tunnel towards a subterranean nuclear reactor.

"Oh bugger", said Gary. "We're doomed, and worse still, we're going off-topic"

"Mr. Wolff - can you please turn off the Lloyds bank promotional video - it seems so real, that we almost believed we were actualy falling !", gasped Chantelle.

"Yes, please - no more sales pitches", agreed Gary. "We're going off topic. What I really want to know is how much we will be able to borrow against our new house once we've moved in. I've seen a really nice Rolex in the jeweller's, and Chantelle would love a fortnight in the Maldives next month."

Mr. Wolff sighed, and after taking a deep breath ....

...

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"Not at all" said Chantelle, "Didn't you hear only today they discovered there's going to be this huge energy crisis, AND only today this area's been selected to be a new nuclear power station..Gosh Gary, the houses here could be worth a bomb in a few years time. W'ell be loaded... and they'll be jobs for our future children at the plant too!"

Gary looked at her admiringly. Dammit, she had a way with her. Her long flowing hair, fresh from a barber in the back streets of Belarus was reflected in the smooth titanium walls. She was beautiful, and smart he mused. But Gary too was no dope. He'd worked his way from junior lettings to fully qualified professional estate agent in just 2 short months. He sure knew a thing or two about property and now a plan was quickly forming in his wire sharp mind. "Oh my God Chantelle", he exclaimed, "We'll be able to release the equity and you can get your tits done!"

Quotel Happy Renting: Suddenly, the floor retracted from underneath Gary and Chantelle, and they found themselves and their sofa rapidly descending in a titanium-lined tunnel towards a subterranean nuclear reactor.

"Oh bugger", said Gary. "We're doomed, and worse still, we're going off-topic"

Edited by bootfair
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suddenly, Hamish_McTerrorist bursts into the Office and hosed Mr Wolff with 9mm full metal jacket dum dum rounds.

"There, thats fixed that lyer", he called to the two buyers. "Cant have a traitor in our midst. only good citizrns like you willing to make the sacrifice deserve to live in this society of debt and money,"

" Buy it, at asking, if you wanna live" he said, robotically.

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Gary's eyes narrowed to a steely glint as he took in the 15 young couples lining the walls. This was deadly serious. He'd seen the Iran War, The Falklands War, the War on terror, the war on drugs, the war on people for not doing the right thing when doing the right thing was clearly the right thing to do.

Yes, he'd seen them all on TV.

But this was different, this was worse. This was a BIDDING WAR...

suddenly, Hamish_McTerrorist bursts into the Office and hosed Mr Wolff with 9mm full metal jacket dum dum rounds.

"There, thats fixed that lyer", he called to the two buyers. "Cant have a traitor in our midst. only good citizrns like you willing to make the sacrifice deserve to live in this society of debt and money,"

" Buy it, at asking, if you wanna live" he said, robotically.

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In an estate Agency far far away, long before the Loan Wars, Luke debtwalker and his trusty HP3C2 fight the dark lord of Foxton, Daft lender, who, escaped with plans for a new death pledge to destroy the deposits of young buying warriors....

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Wolff picked himself up from the ground, brushed of the dust, and looked aghast at the two bullet holes in his best gardening jumper. "Gosh, lucky I had my 'National Estate Agent Code of Conduct' in my breast pocket", he muttered to himself. "The 200 odd pages of wisdom it contains have saved my life - not even Hamish Mc.Terrorist could get through that with his puny 9mm automatic."

Suddenly, the door burst open again and Chantelle's sister, Chardonnay exploded into the room. "It's just been announced !" she spluttered. "Kate Barker from the Bank of England's rate-setting committee is now opening the door once again to 100% mortgages. And that's not all ! David Miles, from the Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) of the Bank of England, has said that the worst of the British recession was over. Perhaps Sibley was right all along !"

Chantelle, awe-struck, looked down at her already ample cleavage, looked at Gary and sighed. "Gary. This means that I CAN take up Bootfair's suggestion and have the breast implants that you've been longing for. MEWtime here we come !", she purred happily.

...

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