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Posts posted by Jester

  1. I agree with the sentiment that children are negatively effected by divorce not just cause of the obvious, but becuase of the fact they miss out on the childhood, with friends, neighbours, sporting activities.

    Children need routine and buggering off every weekend to see new sets of friends spending times in bedrooms which havent got their favourite toys or ones which have to stay at one parents etc.

    Its ridiculous... and no one worries about this, not even the child.

    they sporting venues nearby and parks... the social skills all disappear... children need stability and all divorce breeds is instability.

    thats my opinion.

    I too was the VICTIM of a divorce when my parents seperated when i was 7 I wouldn't wish it on my WORST enemy!

    Its horrible... least of all you just DONT understand at that age, only when you get to 14+ do you get told what really happened and the reasons for it all!!!

    Good post thank you. This is exactly what I've been talking about.

  2. Probably because the ones who are happy in their relationships are keeping quiet, whilst the ones that have gone through a divorce or separation and have lost a lot are understandably very bitter and resentful about the events that happened. Especially in this society which seems to value gaining material posessions over anything else. Otherwise people would wonder why they are spending 9 hours a day behind a desk at work and a steering wheel in a traffic jam, only to sit down in the evenings and fall asleep in front of mindless TV programmes. And then come the weekend there's nothing to do anyway because everyone is so hemmed in with their slave boxes so they go out and wash their cars.

    Even Romeo and Juliet would be having domestics if they had taken out a liar loan on a slave box and were both office grunts who never saw each other because they spent so long commuting.

    So people get together as it's one of the few instincts that they can now satisfy to remind themselves that they are still human. Modern life can be incredibly lonely waiting around for the right person, especially when the media flashes up so many images of happy couples who are satisfied in all manner of ways. So people don't wait for the right person, they go for the best that they can get at the moment and expect them to be right for them from the start. Think of it life this, how easy is it to find the right person if you are already in a relationship with someone you don't really share much in common with?

    But because people spend so little time together, because people are so focused on their jobs and their material posessions because that's what takes up all their time, they don't realise that no matter how good their relationship, they will still need to work at maintaining it and improving it where possible. That means always communicating how you feel and never holiding grudges that the other person does not know about. That means listening to what the other person is saying, understanding where they are coming from and making personal changes where necessary. And then if it still doesn't work out then you know how to part amicably.

    Great post!

  3. When I said;

    ‘Luckily I have not had any experience good or bad’ I meant that I didn’t have any experience of getting divorced myself that doesn’t mean I don’t have the life experience or divorce experience in the family does it?

    I am 39 years old and my parents got divorced when I was 7 years old! I have the experience of 32 years not being able to share family dinner with my mum & dad at the same time!

    So when I defend that the kids need to spend their time equally with their parents, as long as possible, it comes from my 32 years experience of my parents divorce. I wish I had the chance to spend equal time with them but I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand that

    Therefore maybe you need to stop lecturing others about life experiences when you clearly don’t have half the experience of others..

    This is a situation that I am speaking of. Why would you want to have a dinner with your Mum and Dad at the same time when they don't want to do that? I don't know what happened in your parents relationship but they should be free to choose who they have dinner with. If they want to have dinner with you that's great. If they don't that's great also. You need to stop being the victim.

    I would love to have a dinner with my children and their father but it just isn't going to happen and so we've had to move on. I refuse to be a victim and my children feel the same because I've brought them up that way.

    I understand fully what you would have liked for your life. And I respect your feelings too. But you can't control anyone - no not even your parents.

    If you have children now or in the future you can set yourself a target of being a better parent. Good luck to you.

    I apologise if you feel that I lecture I really don't intend that. I intend to share my life experiences in the hope that they may help others.

  4. What effects can justify kids spending less time with their father? I appreciate your ex is not the ideal father, if he sees them 3 times a year and thinks they are expensive, but please don't tar all fathers with same brush

    UNless the parents live within walking distance of each other regularly spending time in 2 different homes has a disruptive effect on children. They can't meet up with their friends, go to parties, go to clubs and generally just chill out. I teach children who can't keep their eyes open because they get back so late from their mother's/fathers late every Sunday evening. I

    It's not about the parents it's about the kids! The parents should put themselves out not the kids.

    I know men and women who have moved 100 miles away to be closer to a new partner and then expect their children to visit every weekend. I'm sorry to all separated parents but I believe that is selfish.

    I can't see how kids spending 0% of their time with their father benefit enormously from this arrangement, sorry but you are 100% wrong to claim non-contact with their father benefits the kids. I understand your circumstances are different but what you need to understand is that there is nothing wrong for kids to spend their time equally with their parents.

    Just because you are divorced doesn't mean the kids are too :lol:

    I don't agree with that either. I believe that my children have suffered from not having a good relationship with their father. But there was nothing that I could do about it. I did ask the courts but they said they couldn't force my ex to see them. I don't know why you put a lol because it certainly is't a lol situation.

    I have never claimed that non-contact is good for kids. Although non-contact would be better in the cases of abusive situations but we weren't talking about that.

    Luckily I have not had any experience good or bad, even if I did, my opinion wouldn't change.

    Maybe you do need more experience of life before you enter discussions such as this.

  5. This is the sort of thread on HPC that makes me eternally glad that I am already married and don't have to play the field anymore <_<

    Marriage is about a lot of things - love, sex, partnership, companionship, friendship and commitment - but primarily about the raising of children. I am not religious at all but as a sensible and intelligent professional woman, I would never have considered having kids with a man without being married. Child support payments are no substitute for having a loving father around 24/7 who is devoting his time to the bringing up of the kids and the maintenance of the family home.

    Marriage works best between people of similar personal wealth, outlook on life, values, goals and (crucially) intelligence. I am lucky to have found a sci-fi fan as well.

    It is only possible to have separate finances and ring fence income and assets until kiddies come into the picture. At this point the pair bond becomes a single financial unit to raise the next generation. Clearly this always presents problems if the partnership splits. Many male posters on here talk about 'my house' or 'my income' even though they may be married with children.

    My husband now earns more than me because I work part time and my career has taken a hit from having babies (had to refuse more than one promotion over the years !). However, all our assets are jointly owned and his savings are in my name for tax reasons. I look after the family finances (hence member of HPC). I hope I would never screw him over if we split up because he is the father of my children and I think I am a fundamentally reasonable and fair minded person.

    I think that a messy divorce is a sign that you have chosen badly in the first place. People get sucked in very early on in relationships; for example, if your current partner was cheating on their ex to meet you, then it is a fair bet they will cheat on you in the future.

    Your life was exactly as I would describe for me 5 years ago and then some very exciting person promised my ex all sorts of wonderful things. Sadly he fell for it. I was shocked that he did but he did. Then he followed her instructions. She didn't care about our children and he jumped through all of her hoops. When she had finished playing with him she left him.

    It's a sad story but a true one. And If it could happen to me it could happen to anyone. Good luck to you.

  6. Do not believe the hype as this is one of the biggest lies propagated by parents who selfishly inflict divorce on their offspring. There is nothing positive about mentally scarring children with nasty insidious bitter divorce battles wrought by pure unadulterated selfish greed. Divorce f***s up children and make NO mistake about that.

    Oh yes you are perfectly correct.

    What I was meaning was that the children have learned to deal with a very difficult situation in their lives at a young age - which will help them deal with difficult situations in the future.

    I believe that by me reacting in a sensible way has helped them to be balanced.

  7. Very honest thread, no doubt alot of women would go spare if they read it, but deep down they know it's true (dontcha girls) you can hear them all now, ' I walked away with nothing' I'm not like that lol

    Well at 50, I've stayed single, I look ten years younger due to the lack of stress, I have no mortgage because no one stole my house, I have a lovely car and two holiday homes abroad, I have been accused (by women) of being non commital, you bet I am!

    Someone said.......A snake with tits, that is the best quote I've read ,Pee'd myself laughing, but oh so true

    Wise up fellas, different breed, mars and venus is an understatement :lol:

    Will you marry me? :P

  8. Not bitter not at all, God forbids, if I had a divorce one day I wouldn't settle with less than 50% of my son's time, so I am just trying to understand why some women think they should have the god given right to decide that their ex should spend less time with kids.

    Sexist part was a joke, if you trained them hard enough they would know not to touch the remote control when the man needs it anyway :lol::lol:

    I think that you may have had a bad experience.

    In my case my ex didn't want contact with his kids. He saw them as expensive. He moved away to get away from them. I asked the courts to make him see more of them. I was told that no one can be made to be a parent.

    Having said that I think that my kids were lucky to not have the pressure of travelling every week to spend 50% of their time with their father. He chose to move away not them.

  9. Why didn't you think it was a good idea? Why should the kids spend, say, 80% of time with you and only 20% of time with your ex?

    I'd really love to know what sort of women would want to restrict their kids contact with their father and why! Remember you are divorced, not your kids, he may be your ex but he is still the father of your children who, as all kids, need their father.

    Yes I agree kids need their father but my kids father is very selfish and manipulative. Also I think spending 50% of their time in one place and 50% of their time somewhere else is restrictive for the children. I'm a teacher and I see the effects of that.

    My kids had 100% of their time with me and I think that they benefited enormously from this arrangement. I would have loved some free time I can promise you. It certainly wasn't the best thing for me. Sadly it wasn't an option for them to stay with their father. He sees them about three times a year. I would have liked them/him to see more of each other.

    I think parents think too much of themselves in divorce and not enough of the children. Sadly kids cannot be cut in half it's just not possible.

  10. Personally I feel like I'm in the minority!

    16 years of happy marriage and 3 children. Never likely to split (if I have anything to do with it ;) )

    Around me:

    House #1 - Couple/2 kids/split

    House #2 - Couple no kids

    House #3 - Couple/1 kid/split

    House #4 - Couple 1 kid

    House #5 - Couple 1 kid

    House #6 - Couple/just split

    House #7 - Single mother

    Congratulations and good luck! Keep on keeping on.

  11. Bloody hell, reading this thread makes me despondent about gender relations. Having seen the parents divorce 25 years ago and the human casualties from the ensuing fallout I vowed never to put any future sprogs through the same thing. I'm not going to be sanctimonious about it as you never know do you? I've only been married a couple of years and now have a newborn knocking about though I sincerely hope that 25 years from now we'll still be sharing the same roof.

    Fook knows.

    Good luck to you. It sounds to me as though you have a positive attitude. Learn from our mistakes. :lol:

  12. Are you one of these women who moan and nag all the time?

    :P no not at all.

    In fact I'm a very quiet woman.

    Atypical actually I don't like to talk much. I never chat on the phone to anyone - thank goodness for texts. I don't like shopping. I enjoy walking in the countryside. music and sport. I don't argue I tend to give way. Some people describe me as a doormat.

    I have three very supportive children who worship the ground that I walk on for some strange reason. They remain living with me as we have a happy home.

    Very little makes me angry but I do find people with bigoted stereotypical attitudes annoying.

  13. Perhaps, but isn't all of life a compromise? I'd like it if land was free and mine was the only car on the road each morning, but alas we have to share the world with other humans :rolleyes:

    In return for compromise you get emotional, physical and/or financial support. At least that's the theory!

    Yes that is the theory. Usually until one party gets fed up or something better comes along.

  14. My parents are bloody incredible. I don't think I have ever heard them row. I know for a fact they have never cheated on each other. I can trust both of them implicitly.

    Only snag is, it's a lot to live up to and expect in a relationship for my self.

    About six month's ago a friend at work lost his job. He confided in me the fact that it brought up new thoughts and emotions in him. About a week later he split from his GF, a big change in his life threw everything up in the air.

    Bothers neighbours in the building trade, works dropped off. Things cast into the air, they are splitting up (house on sale for silly money, now off the market).

    I guess when things change dramatically in peoples lives. That's when a relationships foundations are really tested.

    Incidentally, my parent have always tried to keep things simple in their lives. They never seem deluded by the colour of their grass.

    That's a nice story.

  15. They also have no (meaningful) chance of holding onto their kids. If they withhold support for their offspring (which they shouldn't), the sanctions are quite severe. If an ex-wife withholds the children, the sanctions are non-existent. Financially, it is clearly going to be a strain to run two households, when money was often the cause of unhappiness. The financial penalty hangs over the heads of both parties, why shouldn't the loss of daily contact with the children?

    I was lucky as my ex didn't want regular contact with the children but is was made plainly clear to me that they would most probably have to spend 50% of the time with him and 50% of the time with me. I didn't think that this was a good idea for lots of reasons. But luckily for me my ex didn't want any shared custody. He takes them to McDonalds occasionally.

    My ex is definitely financially better off than me. He also has more free time and less responsibility. Where's the fairness in that? I was told in court that someone cannot be made to look after their own children - believe you me I tried.

  16. Bizzare because you had the children and all the responcibility and he had most of the spoils. How is that not bizzare?

    Oh I see LG. But he claimed to be ill and his doctor wrote a letter to say that he was ill. I on the other hand was well.

    But I knew that he wasn't so ill that he couldn't work but this is what he claimed.

    But these things make us stronger you know. Everything for a reason. Mt children are all better people because of this experience. Having said that they would like to have a caring Dad. But there are others who are worse off.

  17. I agree,and thats the kicker...how do we do that without being selfish...it`s a complicated path to travel..no man is an island.

    I`m wary of getting too involved with anyone now.Any relationship is about compromise,we only find out how much if it ends. Up until or if that time comes we can be blissfully unaware.Love is blind especially when we are young and naive.

    Oh yes you're so right.

    I like to study people and I don't see any really good relationships - not really. They're all about compromise and usually one will compromise more than the other.

    Rarely I see a good relationship. These take a lot of work and trust but they are out there.

    But to a certain extent sometime you do have to be selfish I think.

  18. I think in my 20's/30's I would of been that preacher. I am very happily married having known my wife since we were teenagers, but have come to realise that a long happy marriage is as much about luck, finances holding up etc as love and commitment.

    Yes I knew my ex since we were teens. We were together 30 years 26 of them married.

    My ex met someone who made life sound more exciting.

    Five years ago my ex split up 2 families got divorced got married and got divorced a second time.

    I've been picking up the pieces ever since.

    You don't sound smug at all but you really can't control what might happen to her. At the end of the day you can only control your own life.

  19. Excellent post Bubb !

    Same as here in France. Leading Sunday paper (and VI) had page one title at the weekend saying 2nd home prices in coastal areas had stabilised. Upon closer reading, it turned out that this was true for the top end of the market. The other 95% of the market had fallen 15% in 2009.

    Suckers are still being sucked in. As you say, many are about to receive a lesson in life ;)

    I actually feel sorry for people buying houses now.

    I know when I sold mine I told my EA not to sell to people who told me that they were stretching themselves to buy my house.

    The people who did buy it seemed more financially secure. Now I have a feeling that they're not. I only hope that it works out for them.

  20. I agree with the spending cuts and tax hikes bit. I have a little trouble swallowing the last bit though. I would love to believe that if Cameron and his cronies are elected then we will see a marked shift in sentiment in the housing market, but as the Conservatives are just as VI'd as Brown's crew, I can't see it working.

    On another note, I am amazed at some of the replies on this thread - asking prices round here are DEFINITELY BELOW 2007 PRICES. 4 bed detached places used to sell at well over £350,000. You can now pick them up for £300,000.

    Yes I have to agree with this. Where I live people are putting their houses on the market at high prices and are then reducing them gradually.

    Some house are priced sensibly (in my opinion) and they seem to sell quite well.

    I sold my house in 2 weeks. People still tell me that I sold it too cheaply. They say that other houses in my road on on the market at a higher price. I explain that not all houses are the same. Anyway mine is the only one that has sold this year.

    But anyway I'm downsizing. I wanted 50 grand difference between my selling price and my purchasing price. I haven't found anything that I like but I'm now looking at houses about 100 grand cheaper.

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