[redwing]

Have just read the thread about young adults being forced to move back with parents.

As a prospective step-father of an unemployed, homeless 21yr old who might be moving into my home, what do you all think would be a fair contribution from him towards board and food given that he has no money, but quite a lot of free time?

All suggestions considered.

[Russe11]

upto 16 hours a week work about the house, garden etc

if they are any good at diy/maintenance it will be a good deal.

[JJJ]

Anything that you'd rather use the time for otherwise. Do you do the shopping? Not any more. Household maintenance? Step forwards, junior. Interested in knowing how many of those red rubber bands the postie drops within a fifty metre radius of your house? Now you can find out

[Russe11]

JJJ, on 10 April 2012 - 12:14 AM, said:

Anything that you'd rather use the time for otherwise. Do you do the shopping? Not any more. Household maintenance? Step forwards, junior. Interested in knowing how many of those red rubber bands the postie drops within a fifty metre radius of your house? Now you can find out

red rubber bands have disappeared round here, not seen one one the sreets for some time.

[Self Employed Youth]

redwing, on 09 April 2012 - 11:43 PM, said:

Have just read the thread about young adults being forced to move back with parents.

As a prospective step-father of an unemployed, homeless 21yr old who might be moving into my home, what do you all think would be a fair contribution from him towards board and food given that he has no money, but quite a lot of free time?

All suggestions considered.

Probably somewhat similar to your own. In labour terms around the house/garden that is.

Pay him cash in hand for bigger jobs?

Why pay a foreigner/non family member to do jobs that need doing, when the work and purchasing power can be kept within the family?

Think like a certain ethnic group do. Maybe use his potential LHA to fund a family Buy to Let property. 'Contrived tenancies' are illegal, so steady as she goes on that front.

[Lewis Gordon Pugh]

If you are his step father, you have no right to tell him to do shit. If you marry him mum, then you have to put up with whatever baggage she has. That includes feeding her offspring.

If you invite someone to stay, they should be a guest. If you want rent, then get a lodger. Merging family with renting will just lead to a big fall out and you will end up in the shit with his mum. At that age if you end up busting his balls like a slave driver you will probably end up with more trouble than its worth.

Voluntary contributions, but expect nothing and you wont be disappointing.

This post has been edited by Lewis Gordon Pugh: 10 April 2012 - 01:05 AM

[Kurt Barlow]

Ignore this^

I think a fair contribution towards household chores, gardening and minor maintenance (if he has those skills at 21??) will be better for a harmonious house as it will reduce burden on Mr and Mrs Redwing. It will also install some degree of routine into his life and help avoid the risk of him lounging about all day - bed-tv- food-tv-bed.

If you have a larger job you could give that would be great. If he is looking for work to be able to say - whilst unemployed I kept my self busy by sorting out parents garden, painting the fences etc is far better than 'nothing'.

[Frank Hovis]

Nothing for rent but a contribution for food and bills, say £50 a week.

[redwing]

I was really thinking of something a bit shorter term. I've got enough pension built up to provide me with a meagre living post-retirement and I've got this self-esteem problem which makes it really difficult for me to ponce off other people.

[redwing]

Lewis Gordon Pugh, on 10 April 2012 - 12:56 AM, said:

If you are his step father, you have no right to tell him to do shit. If you marry him mum, then you have to put up with whatever baggage she has. That includes feeding her offspring.

If you invite someone to stay, they should be a guest. If you want rent, then get a lodger. Merging family with renting will just lead to a big fall out and you will end up in the shit with his mum. At that age if you end up busting his balls like a slave driver you will probably end up with more trouble than its worth.

Voluntary contributions, but expect nothing and you wont be disappointing.

We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

[FaFa!]

redwing, on 10 April 2012 - 06:37 AM, said:

We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

I don't know what your relationship is like with him, how long you have been with his mother or what his and your relationship with his father is like, all of which would alter my suggestions. Is he recently out of work? When you say homeless, what exactly do you mean? I assume he hasn't been sleeping rough. In your position, I'd probably just sit down with him and have a frank but friendly chat. Just something along the lines of you are welcome here whilst you get back on your feet and we don't expect a financial contribution, but we were wondering if you'd be good enough to muck in with the chores. Assuming he agrees to this then ask him what he would like to do around the house. If he doesn't know much about maintenance offer to do the work with him in the first instance. As long as you avoid looking like you are barking instructions or treating him unpaid labour there on sufferance, I should think you'd be fine.

When I was at home for a stretch in the years post uni, Fafa senior charged all inclusive rent of 50 quid a week and would greet me in the evening with the phrase "Still here are you?". As his step-father that atittude might not work too well, but it was effective in getting me off my backside. I left to be free of the incessant moaning, if nothing else.

[Saberu]

redwing, on 10 April 2012 - 06:37 AM, said:

We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

Not sure if this helps but when I was living with my parents I would do the dish washing, hang out/ take in clothes from the washing line, hoover/ tidy the house and mow the lawn. But I know for a fact my parents went easy on me compared to many and if you are a step father rather than his real father you could probably bust his balls if you wanted. As you aren't his real parent I think at the very least he should pay for his own food, which isn't hard if he eats cheap.

But if you expect him to eat with you 'as a family' then you shouldn't expect him to pay towards food as that would seem like you are treating him as your real child and if he is paying for his own food he should really be able to have some choice about what he eats.

Or you could be a really nice guy and not give him too hard of a time as long as he is properly looking for a job. Then when he finds a job, you can get some rent off him or let him move out.

If you are expecting him to work 16 hours/ week around the house for you and counting the hours then that does seem like you are busting his balls and treating him like a stranger who has to earn his keep through hard work. I imagine a decent amount of housework would already come to a couple of hours a day anyway.

[Grrrr I'm a tiger]

When I started work, there was still something I would call 'the English tea ceremony'. The tea lady would bring a tray of tea and biscuits to your meeting and it was normal for the chair of that meeting to break off and offer to pour tea for the (often 'lowlier') participants. It was a simpe act of humility and generosity but went largely unnoticed by our own culture as the accountants took over and replaced everything with tea and coffeee machines. Something invisible was lost.

'Breaking bread' is similar. Try and make sure you all eat together as a family. Take turns to prepare dinner. That way he can participate in your generosity and feel welcome whilst giving him the simple opportunity to return favour. Something to enjoy in difficult circumstances.

Then other more menial tasks may be given that may be looked upon in a different vein from you taking advantage of his reduced circumstances, if you see what I mean. I don't think you would do that, just the way a person down on their luck may feel.

[StainlessSteelCat]

I think it comes down to the relationship you have with him and whether he is already staying with mum. You definitely don't want to come across as the evil stepfather in his or his mum's eyes. Get agreement from mum on any proposals.

Be prepared that an unemployed homeless young person may need a lot of encouragement to do anything. They may not be depressed (yet) but they might well find it hard to get motivated without any structure in their life or experience to know the situation is temporary.

Once he finds his feet - start charging board (even if you don't need) it - and continue to increase it to encourage him to move out if that's what you/his mum would ultimately prefer. We can all get stuck in a rut and tend to stay in our comfort zone.

[Grrrr I'm a tiger]

StainlessSteelCat, on 10 April 2012 - 07:25 AM, said:

I think it comes down to the relationship you have with him and whether he is already staying with mum. You definitely don't want to come across as the evil stepfather in his or his mum's eyes. Get agreement from mum on any proposals.

Be prepared that an unemployed homeless young person may need a lot of encouragement to do anything. They may not be depressed (yet) but they might well find it hard to get motivated without any structure in their life or experience to know the situation is temporary.

Once he finds his feet - start charging board (even if you don't need) it - and continue to increase it to encourage him to move out if that's what you/his mum would ultimately prefer. We can all get stuck in a rut and tend to stay in our comfort zone.

And if you don't want a financial contribution, give it all back to him when he leaves.