redwing

20-25 Year Olds Living At Home

30 posts in this topic

Have just read the thread about young adults being forced to move back with parents.

As a prospective step-father of an unemployed, homeless 21yr old who might be moving into my home, what do you all think would be a fair contribution from him towards board and food given that he has no money, but quite a lot of free time?

All suggestions considered.

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upto 16 hours a week work about the house, garden etc

if they are any good at diy/maintenance it will be a good deal.

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Anything that you'd rather use the time for otherwise. Do you do the shopping? Not any more. Household maintenance? Step forwards, junior. Interested in knowing how many of those red rubber bands the postie drops within a fifty metre radius of your house? Now you can find out :)

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Anything that you'd rather use the time for otherwise. Do you do the shopping? Not any more. Household maintenance? Step forwards, junior. Interested in knowing how many of those red rubber bands the postie drops within a fifty metre radius of your house? Now you can find out :)

red rubber bands have disappeared round here, not seen one one the sreets for some time.

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Have just read the thread about young adults being forced to move back with parents.

As a prospective step-father of an unemployed, homeless 21yr old who might be moving into my home, what do you all think would be a fair contribution from him towards board and food given that he has no money, but quite a lot of free time?

All suggestions considered.

Probably somewhat similar to your own. In labour terms around the house/garden that is.

Pay him cash in hand for bigger jobs?

Why pay a foreigner/non family member to do jobs that need doing, when the work and purchasing power can be kept within the family?

Think like a certain ethnic group do. Maybe use his potential LHA to fund a family Buy to Let property. 'Contrived tenancies' are illegal, so steady as she goes on that front.

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If you are his step father, you have no right to tell him to do shit. If you marry him mum, then you have to put up with whatever baggage she has. That includes feeding her offspring.

If you invite someone to stay, they should be a guest. If you want rent, then get a lodger. Merging family with renting will just lead to a big fall out and you will end up in the shit with his mum. At that age if you end up busting his balls like a slave driver you will probably end up with more trouble than its worth.

Voluntary contributions, but expect nothing and you wont be disappointing.

Edited by Lewis Gordon Pugh

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Ignore this^ :rolleyes:

I think a fair contribution towards household chores, gardening and minor maintenance (if he has those skills at 21??) will be better for a harmonious house as it will reduce burden on Mr and Mrs Redwing. It will also install some degree of routine into his life and help avoid the risk of him lounging about all day - bed-tv- food-tv-bed.

If you have a larger job you could give that would be great. If he is looking for work to be able to say - whilst unemployed I kept my self busy by sorting out parents garden, painting the fences etc is far better than 'nothing'.

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I was really thinking of something a bit shorter term. I've got enough pension built up to provide me with a meagre living post-retirement and I've got this self-esteem problem which makes it really difficult for me to ponce off other people.

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If you are his step father, you have no right to tell him to do shit. If you marry him mum, then you have to put up with whatever baggage she has. That includes feeding her offspring.

If you invite someone to stay, they should be a guest. If you want rent, then get a lodger. Merging family with renting will just lead to a big fall out and you will end up in the shit with his mum. At that age if you end up busting his balls like a slave driver you will probably end up with more trouble than its worth.

Voluntary contributions, but expect nothing and you wont be disappointing.

We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

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We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

I don't know what your relationship is like with him, how long you have been with his mother or what his and your relationship with his father is like, all of which would alter my suggestions. Is he recently out of work? When you say homeless, what exactly do you mean? I assume he hasn't been sleeping rough. In your position, I'd probably just sit down with him and have a frank but friendly chat. Just something along the lines of you are welcome here whilst you get back on your feet and we don't expect a financial contribution, but we were wondering if you'd be good enough to muck in with the chores. Assuming he agrees to this then ask him what he would like to do around the house. If he doesn't know much about maintenance offer to do the work with him in the first instance. As long as you avoid looking like you are barking instructions or treating him unpaid labour there on sufferance, I should think you'd be fine.

When I was at home for a stretch in the years post uni, Fafa senior charged all inclusive rent of 50 quid a week and would greet me in the evening with the phrase "Still here are you?". As his step-father that atittude might not work too well, but it was effective in getting me off my backside. I left to be free of the incessant moaning, if nothing else.

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We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

Not sure if this helps but when I was living with my parents I would do the dish washing, hang out/ take in clothes from the washing line, hoover/ tidy the house and mow the lawn. But I know for a fact my parents went easy on me compared to many and if you are a step father rather than his real father you could probably bust his balls if you wanted. As you aren't his real parent I think at the very least he should pay for his own food, which isn't hard if he eats cheap.

But if you expect him to eat with you 'as a family' then you shouldn't expect him to pay towards food as that would seem like you are treating him as your real child and if he is paying for his own food he should really be able to have some choice about what he eats.

Or you could be a really nice guy and not give him too hard of a time as long as he is properly looking for a job. Then when he finds a job, you can get some rent off him or let him move out.

If you are expecting him to work 16 hours/ week around the house for you and counting the hours then that does seem like you are busting his balls and treating him like a stranger who has to earn his keep through hard work. I imagine a decent amount of housework would already come to a couple of hours a day anyway.

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When I started work, there was still something I would call 'the English tea ceremony'. The tea lady would bring a tray of tea and biscuits to your meeting and it was normal for the chair of that meeting to break off and offer to pour tea for the (often 'lowlier') participants. It was a simpe act of humility and generosity but went largely unnoticed by our own culture as the accountants took over and replaced everything with tea and coffeee machines. Something invisible was lost.

'Breaking bread' is similar. Try and make sure you all eat together as a family. Take turns to prepare dinner. That way he can participate in your generosity and feel welcome whilst giving him the simple opportunity to return favour. Something to enjoy in difficult circumstances.

Then other more menial tasks may be given that may be looked upon in a different vein from you taking advantage of his reduced circumstances, if you see what I mean. I don't think you would do that, just the way a person down on their luck may feel.

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I think it comes down to the relationship you have with him and whether he is already staying with mum. You definitely don't want to come across as the evil stepfather in his or his mum's eyes. Get agreement from mum on any proposals.

Be prepared that an unemployed homeless young person may need a lot of encouragement to do anything. They may not be depressed (yet) but they might well find it hard to get motivated without any structure in their life or experience to know the situation is temporary.

Once he finds his feet - start charging board (even if you don't need) it - and continue to increase it to encourage him to move out if that's what you/his mum would ultimately prefer. We can all get stuck in a rut and tend to stay in our comfort zone.

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I think it comes down to the relationship you have with him and whether he is already staying with mum. You definitely don't want to come across as the evil stepfather in his or his mum's eyes. Get agreement from mum on any proposals.

Be prepared that an unemployed homeless young person may need a lot of encouragement to do anything. They may not be depressed (yet) but they might well find it hard to get motivated without any structure in their life or experience to know the situation is temporary.

Once he finds his feet - start charging board (even if you don't need) it - and continue to increase it to encourage him to move out if that's what you/his mum would ultimately prefer. We can all get stuck in a rut and tend to stay in our comfort zone.

And if you don't want a financial contribution, give it all back to him when he leaves.

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And if you don't want a financial contribution, give it all back to him when he leaves.

neo anarchist, if you dont want it why not nudge them along the right path by doing the right thing and donating it to the the Govt as a gift

Edited by Georgia O'Keeffe

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Ok, I think I understand what you are trying to do.

And BTW you sound like a top (step) father.

As others have said, being unemployed really destroys your motivation and many become reclusive and lethargic, so, the most ideal situation for both of you is that he gets a job and doesn't stay there! (I know this doesn't sound helpful but bear with me).

Personally in your position I would consider the following:

1) Applying for a job is a full time job. Insist that while he is living with you he must set aside a minimum two hours a day to look for jobs (trust me when you are demotivated this simple task is incredibly difficult in itself )

2) Around here there are quite a few adult learning courses.. insist he doesn't have to pay you, but he needs to invest in a course (even if it is unrelated to anything he wants to do in life. Just something to keep him interacting with people).

3) Household chores (but I wouldn't put too much focus on that.. just pulling their weight should be enough). If you have a dog sending them out to walk it a couple of times a day would be a good one.

4) Any time you can spend with him just having a joke, picking him up and making him feel good about himself (more of a chore for you I guess - if you have the luxury of time to do it)

Good luck :)

Edited by libspero

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red rubber bands have disappeared round here, not seen one one the sreets for some time.

Big white ones now here. Not so many though.

The contribution a returning child should make is to fit in with the household. To clean up after themselves and if they don't have a job to take part in as many chores as they are able.

If they have skills get them to use it.

Even more basic stuff - It's lawn cutting and hedge cutting time - so they could be out earning cash doing that.

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Sorry haven't read the whole thread so the info i seek may already be readily available.

Is he looking for work? A student?

If so I'd suggest no more than menial tasks around the house and certainly wouldn't ask for cash. Getting a job right now isn't all that easy, particularly getting a decent one so he should be putting most of his time into that and further training/volunteering.

Depending on what he's into (in a vocational sense, not watching tv/playing sport etc.) then I'd encourage him to learn more (e.g. programming for example) to up his skills.

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It would depend on how much dole money he gets and what he's spending it on.

Half of any money he gets would seem fair, with an allowance to him for money spent doing something useful like attending interviews, doing training, learning to drive, (remember, as a young person, learning to drive is one of the best things you can directly do toward increasing social mobility and getting a job,) going to the gym etc etc.

If he isn't working and is at home all day then a fair share of jobs around the house also makes sense, as long as he doesn't being taken advantage of.

My sister made her teenage children cook 1 family meal a week each. It shared out the cooking and more importantly taught them to cook. Also I stopped them complaining about what was for dinner... if you don't like it, YOU can cook tomorrow! How many 18 year old boys could cook a healthy meal for their family?

Edited by RufflesTheGuineaPig

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Ok, I think I understand what you are trying to do.

And BTW you sound like a top (step) father.

As others have said, being unemployed really destroys your motivation and many become reclusive and lethargic, so, the most ideal situation for both of you is that he gets a job and doesn't stay there! (I know this doesn't sound helpful but bear with me).

Personally in your position I would consider the following:

1) Applying for a job is a full time job. Insist that while he is living with you he must set aside a minimum two hours a day to look for jobs (trust me when you are demotivated this simple task is incredibly difficult in itself )

2) Around here there are quite a few adult learning courses.. insist he doesn't have to pay you, but he needs to invest in a course (even if it is unrelated to anything he wants to do in life. Just something to keep him interacting with people).

3) Household chores (but I wouldn't put too much focus on that.. just pulling their weight should be enough). If you have a dog sending them out to walk it a couple of times a day would be a good one.

4) Any time you can spend with him just having a joke, picking him up and making him feel good about himself (more of a chore for you I guess - if you have the luxury of time to do it)

Good luck :)

Thanks - sensible advice. Two hours a day job hunting could make up some of the 16 hours work that another contributor suggested as a fair return.

A few household chores would be nice - we have enough of these to go round.

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Thanks - sensible advice. Two hours a day job hunting could make up some of the 16 hours work that another contributor suggested as a fair return.

A few household chores would be nice - we have enough of these to go round.

Why not put up a list of all the household chores that need doing on a weekly basis and encourage him to attack any he feels able to do around job hunting. Don't put the spotlight on him, make it a general any family member can contribute kind of thing.

While he's not working do not take any money off him as it'll only lead him to borrow money off his mum (maybe you indirectly) or wonga bonga. Financial independence for the both of you.

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We don't want a financial contribution. He's got no money of his own and I'd rather he used his own money getting his life together.

I see your point about him being a guest. Most of my guests stay a few nights and we have a grand time. How should a longer term guest behave or be expected to behave?

Well as said above, i wouldn't ask for rent, it will lead to problems. For a start if hes paying rent and you ask him to do something, he can refuse under the 'i am a rent paying tenant' excuse. And asking him to work at odd jobs will lead to resentment if you force the issue. If he offers then fine, but if you bust his balls to do things, he wont like it, who would?

I would ask him to buy his own food and contribute to bills in some way. And make it clear he is a guest and has to respect your house.

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Thanks everyone.

There were some really useful points made which I think will be useful. Let's hope that this experiment in making better use of housing space works out. I'll come back and refresh this thread with some feedback on how it's going sometime.

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Thanks for your kind words.

You've got a point there somewhere I think. Yes, what were we thinking of giving this lad?: a room, bedding, heating, all meals, pocket money, some help with finding a job or education should he want our help, some company, some independence - the more the better really, and potentially a role model: perhaps he'll become the same sort of blood-sucking parasite you seem to think that I am.

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