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Jack2

Estate Agent Speak

25 posts in this topic

It seems to be a norfolk thing, but when will agents realise that "tucked away" does not mean anything good or make me want to view? Round these parts it generally means "built in someone elses garden".

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Rarely available, except that there are another 2 places more or less the same in the same street/area for sale, and the property in question has been on the market for over a year.... Yep, that's rare. Or... going on your Norfolk theme - are they spelling as phonetically, in which case [i]rarely[/i] available would be [i]really[/i] available.

(As in "thass a rarely nice flat you've got hair boy"...)

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Not a phrase, but personally I go for the wideangle/fish-eye lens that they think makes rooms look 'spacious'.

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There's one near me called Catling and Co (or Crapling and Co) who have often used the phrase "for the discerning purchaser" when describing a property... just sounds so *****ish to me... The other one is when they label houses as "keen to sell" - so what, everyone that isn't labelled that isn't keen to sell?

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Potential to refurbish = Almost uninhabitable dump which hasn't changed in 30 years
Light and airy accommodation = White walls and high ceilings
Offering good access to Axx = On the bypass / main trunk road
A rare opportunity = An opportunity so rare and unwanted that no-one even thought of selling it to you before
The property benefits from = The property is a living thing
There is benefit of on street parking to the front = You'll never be able to park in front of that house
The property is in good general order = It needs refurbishment but the owner doesn't think so
Arranged over two floors = A bog-standard house
The property is presented in poor order = This is a repossession
No onward chain complications = We'd like you to pay a premium because the owner wants to move into rented accommodation and sit out the crash
The rent for the property has been established at £1250 pcm = The tenants have a side deal agreed with the current owner to stay in the property until it is sold paying rent over the odds but receiving a cash rebate of £350 each month
Redecorated throughout, with thought, care and attention to fittings and finish = White and magnolia painted walls with B&Q brushed steel fittings

As far as I can tell pretty much everything is presented as an opportunity at the moment which probably means that its the opposite, ie misfortune or very bad luck.

[quote name='J50' post='2030504' date='Jul 24 2009, 08:25 AM']There's one near me called Catling and Co (or Crapling and Co) who have often used the phrase "for the discerning purchaser" when describing a property... just sounds so *****ish to me... The other one is when they label houses as "keen to sell" - so what, everyone that isn't labelled that isn't keen to sell?[/quote]

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Blank canvas - so often used to describe a plain magnolia house... however, [url="http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-22239157.html?locationIdentifier=REGION^1018&minBedrooms=3&maxPrice=350000&radius=1.0&pageNumber=27&premiumA=true&backToListURL=%2Fproperty-for-sale%2Ffind.html%3FlocationIdentifier%3DREGION%255E1018%26minBedrooms%3D3%26maxPrice%3D350000%26radius%3D1.0%26index%3D260"]this one (link)[/url] I personally find a challenge to describe as a blank canvas. :blink:

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[quote name='waitingandsaving' post='2030227' date='Jul 23 2009, 10:39 PM']Rarely available, except that there are another 2 places more or less the same in the same street/area for sale, and the property in question has been on the market for over a year.... Yep, that's rare. Or... going on your Norfolk theme - are they spelling as phonetically, in which case [i]rarely[/i] available would be [i]really[/i] available.

(As in "thass a rarely nice flat you've got hair boy"...)[/quote]

Very good, That reminds me of when I was trying to explain to my wife, who was having a blonde monent, why it was necesary to have diferent endings when conjugating French verbs such as etre - I said , in a moment of inspiration, that if you conjugated verbs wrongly you would sound as though you were born in Norfolk, ie "I be, you be, he be, she be" As in "She be lookin right bootfull"

A non descriptive ea ploy moment happened to us recently, a local bungalow went up for sale on the day after end of school term. Yep you guessed, its one door away from a primary school. No parking and white noise at 100db 5 times a day!
For the record, I love Norfolk, the accent, the people, the history etc.

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:D Yes, I think the Norfolk accent is rather endearing...

My 2 favourites from working for Virgin Money at one point, having it explained in the training session that they don't have call centres in Norwich because of the accent, the lady at the front said that in a previous session on clear communication, she's been talking about cutting out the jargon - someone in the group really couldn't understand why she was talking about not going jogging so frequently...

Another one is the name Tamara... :D

I have ambitions of doing a youTube series of rap songs recited in the Norfolk accent by local oldies - "I'll tek yew tew tha Caaandy Shopp, Le' yer suck me laalli-POP!"
Sadly I don't think it's one that would come to fruition, even if they didn't understand what they were singing about...

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ANY of that drivel from 'Fine and Country', if you've never seen it, buy the FRiday EDP for the property section and prepare to throw.

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2 From Haart :- "What you have been working for" and "price range, from --- to ---"

I work to enjoy the planet, and all its wonders, not to pay daft prices for an anchor, and as for "price range" what on earth is that about????

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[quote name='the_duke_of_hazzard' post='2041630' date='Jul 29 2009, 03:18 PM']"Architect-designed"

as opposed to "dry cleaner-designed", presumably.[/quote]

Brilliant.

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[quote name='fallingbuzzard' post='2032330' date='Jul 24 2009, 11:28 PM']Potential to refurbish = Almost uninhabitable dump which hasn't changed in 30 years
Light and airy accommodation = White walls and high ceilings
Offering good access to Axx = On the bypass / main trunk road
A rare opportunity = An opportunity so rare and unwanted that no-one even thought of selling it to you before
The property benefits from = The property is a living thing
There is benefit of on street parking to the front = You'll never be able to park in front of that house
The property is in good general order = It needs refurbishment but the owner doesn't think so
Arranged over two floors = A bog-standard house
The property is presented in poor order = This is a repossession
No onward chain complications = We'd like you to pay a premium because the owner wants to move into rented accommodation and sit out the crash
The rent for the property has been established at £1250 pcm = The tenants have a side deal agreed with the current owner to stay in the property until it is sold paying rent over the odds but receiving a cash rebate of £350 each month
Redecorated throughout, with thought, care and attention to fittings and finish = White and magnolia painted walls with B&Q brushed steel fittings

As far as I can tell pretty much everything is presented as an opportunity at the moment which probably means that its the opposite, ie misfortune or very bad luck.[/quote]

Deceptively spacious - a rabbit hutch
Modern living - a rabbit hutch
Imaginative use of space - a rabbit hutch
City living - a rabbit hutch with no parking
Pied-a-terre - a rabbit hutch with no parking
Crash pad - a rabbit hutch with no parking Edited by jonb

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[quote name='mikeymadman' post='2040385' date='Jul 29 2009, 12:10 AM']Much sought after.[/quote]

The EA spelling mistakes are really annoying.

"much sort after" and "flower boarders" were the ones I remember on the EA details I was looking through.

Deceptively spacious is an interesting phrase. It's either spacious or they are trying to deceive you into believing it is spacious!

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[color="#FF0000"]Compact and bijou[/color] is surely the classic!

There is a new set of flats being built in Montpelier, Bristol. The development is surrounded by a colourful fence covered in adverts and pictures about 1m high by 1.5m. Some scallywag has appropriately daubed in tiny lettering below one of the artist impressions [color="#0000FF"]"(Flat Shown is actual size)"[/color]
Jamie Davis, Bristol

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I have started to hate the use of the word "residence". What's wrong with house? Other than it being insufficiently ponsy to flog a 3 bed terrace for £500k!

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I reckon the word residence is used because so often nowadays they can't actually truthfully use the word "house".

A residence is somewhere that people reside... that cardboard box and sleeping bag combo under a bridge could still be legitimately called someone's residence. And an EA could take a cleverly angled photo of it, with the crisp autumnal leaves showing through some joisty bits to make it look industrial factory type internal photo, and put it up on rightmove for 100k, and call it an open air studio [i]residence[/i]....

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Has anyone noticed how 'Haart' use slightly corny phrases at the start of their property description. How very 'tabloid' of them. :rolleyes:

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" Highly presented " has to be one of my favourites. Allways makes me smile.

BUT

"5 bedroom" when one of them was the garage, or "4 bedroom" when one of them was the garage , or "3 bedroom" when one of them was the garage

All drive me mad.

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" Highly presented " has to be one of my favourites. Allways makes me smile.

BUT

"5 bedroom" when one of them was the garage, or "4 bedroom" when one of them was the garage , or "3 bedroom" when one of them was the garage

All drive me mad.

Nearly forgot - "Cash buyer preferred" Usually translates as "falling down / no planning permission ever applied for / mundic block (Cornwall).

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Found the following on an Abbotts rightmove ad. I cannot decide if it was caused by a liquid lunch or lack of vocabulary, As an avid fan of "just a minute" on the radio, I keep getting the urge to buzz in with "repetition" -

The seller of this fantastic property and has found another property and has therefore price very realistically, therefore early interested will be expected so make early viewing arrangements to be in with a chance.

I shall go with liquid lunch I think.

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How about this little gem....

£320,000

3 bedroom detached house for sale

IVRY STREET, IPSWICH

:blink::blink:believed to date back to 1990 of red brick construction with modern slate roof, good looking in a country cottage style which offers very stylish living accommodation. Also incorporating many period style features including sliding sash windows with double glazing. :lol::blink::unsure:

More details and 12 photos Save property Contact agent Upgrade listing

Marketed by Woodcock & Son, Ipswich.

FFS! hardly lost in the mists of time.

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